Creepiest of craps...

Can’t recall when was the last time I felt this choked in my head। Everything is a blur। The more I try to keep my home, school, tuitions and virtual life separate and isolated from one another, the more entwined they get। I try not to think about my “virtual” life in my “real” life, my “home” life (cousins and all) in my “school” life etc. and I sometimes DO succeed in doing that. But, looking at the larger picture, its like, the more one tries to contain oneself, the more they tend to break their own rules…but that does not mean we stopped making rules.

I know I sound like I am babbling (okay, I am doing just that. So what?) and I am not sure if I am going to hit the publish key once I am done with it, but I am writing it all the same. Puking my thoughts in the crudest possible way I know. And I am pretty sure whatever I key in here, is hardly going to make any collective sense.

From what I can recall from my days around 5 years back, I was this really insouciant funny little creature. Hardly ever caring about things happening around me, or caring about what people would think of me. Friends were never really “important”…I was too ambitious to be “wasting” my time chatting with “friends” about “other friends” or discussing the usual stuff that my coevals would spend hours doing.

Now, however, it’s different. Different as in really DIFFERENT. I never saw it happening like this. I am still that insouciant little creature but I have started caring about what my friends and cousins think of me(If you are wondering why I emphasize so much on my cousins, its because they are all almost the same age as mine…we make this whole big naughty group which hangs out together every other week-without any strings holding us from having a blast-we are family so our parents are pretty secure too :p)

Its like, when these people-who know me for what I am at heart-say that something is bad about me, they really mean it. And I guess their advices/warnings deserve a thought or two on my part. I don’t start hating myself for being silly or blame them for being ruthlessly truthful (okay that’s going too far, I have never been bad enough for people to become “ruthlessly truthful” to me) but I do make a conscious effort of changing myself.

Now, the thing that’s troubling me is that, though I have always given way to “sieved” feedback but I can’t recall not being able to concentrate on any other thing when somebody said I was changing for the worse and never cared to elaborate. (Before your thoughts go wandering in wilderness, let me add that the person is a great friend and not somebody “extra-special” that they would make me think for hours together. I know her for around 5 years now.) May be I am making a mountain out of a mole-hill and brooding over irrelevant things(which I think I AM doing) but I really need to get this out of my system to concentrate on other things.

I mean I would never ever sit down all gloomy and lost in the midst of some of the funniest people I know! I did just that to my amazement (shock). These people did manage to bring a few laughs out of me (usually they try and make their laughs heard over my incessant laughter). Once I had written about this (because I cant tell it to anyone, and I need to get it out of me, so all I could do was write-scribble that is-while my physics teacher taught some nonsense about electric dipole and electric fields) it felt a lot lighter…I am not sure but I guess I stopped smiling/laughing for about 10 minutes out of the whole hour and half that we were in the bio lab. Looks like I was struggling with this diagram in those 10 minutes, and others were having their share of laughter seeing me “work” for a change.["moods really swing" somebody said!] A pleasant and rare sight for my classmates! (Sakshi Arora working! Arora coz there are three sakshi-s in my class) But that hour and a half of me being normal (laughing and commenting and cracking the worst of PJs ever;and the one-liners,my trademark!) wasn’t enough for these people…for sharma(she read that scribble..and) sent me the best of mails ever…talking about how one of her friends was behaving stupidly (that friend was me,hehee) and nikki sent some smses in her peculiar style- “hello ms messed up, abi condition theek hai kya? Subah kya tilli lagi padi thi?”
But everything’s pretty much fine now. And all’s well that ends well (or is it?)
Lol.
Anyways, the irony :- uhhh…too heavy to write in here. I’ll break hearts if I mention it. Would just sign off with saying that old isn’t always gold.